there are many aspects of a.a. that i respect; it’s a free, not-for-profit, supportive place for people to gather and not drink together. it’s a simple, straightforward program that does not advertise or sell you shit you don’t need. there is comfort in being surrounded by others who are struggling with the same demons you are. they promote doing service to inspire humility and increase self esteem, which is very good advice.

a few problems i had with the program… step #1 states that “we are powerless over alcohol” and goes on to say that “no human power could have relieved our alcoholism”. this powerlessness won’t help to gain control of your life (or your drinking). i’ve learned that i can stop drinking if i choose to. it is a nasty habit that can be addictive and even fatal. but it’s a habit like any other than can be broken with the true desire to stop and actually making the choice to stop.

i take responsibility for my choices, good or bad, and that’s what builds character. i think it’s essential to be accountable to ourselves for the choices we make. also, because i don’t believe in god, i tried thinking of a mountain in north vancouver as my “higher power”. that didn’t really work for me.

i realized that i was drinking way too much, but even more important for me was figuring out why i was drinking heavily. i was avoiding dealing with issues and alcohol became my alibi. because i was busy drinking every night, i had no time to face and sort out my personal problems. drinking was the distraction i needed to avoid finding a serious career. it kept me from writing that book i’ve been yearning (but am also terrified) to write. if i drank enough, i didn’t have to be engaged with my kids or present in my own life. i could just tune out and avoid the things i didn’t feel like doing. i was a lazy mom for a long time and i truly regret that. those years can never be brought back and that breaks my heart.

i thank myself (not god or a mountain) for stopping long enough to see clearly what my life had become. i am currently drinking occasionally because i choose to, but not to get drunk and disappear from reality. alcohol has lost its power in my life because i have found something i like to do more than drink…write! so nowadays, i enjoy a beverage as one would appreciate a fancy dessert or a really good steak. moderation comes naturally because i don’t feel frustrated about the issues i was repressing.

i am focused on my writing, and have been lucky to get a blog-writing gig for a local yoga studio. i am dealing with my problems and allocating more time to what i love doing and have re-dedicated myself to achieving my creative goal: writing that damn book. my relationship with my kids remains great and i see them as a priority, not a burden.

augusten burroughs said it best:

“… a person needs to occupy the space in life drinking once filled with something more rewarding than the comfort and escape of alcohol. this is the thing you have to find.”

i feel incredibly proud that i have found the thing that brings so much pleasure and purpose to my life. to have identified my passion while i am still young enough to do it is a true gift, and i will totally drink to that.

cheers!

i want to recommend a raw, insightful and enlightening book called “this is how: help for the self. proven aid in overcoming shyness, molestation, fatness, spinsterhood, grief, disease, lushery, decrepitude and more for young and old alike” by augusten burroughs. he also authored “running with scissors”, which is an excellent/hilarious memoir and “dry”, which i haven’t read (but plan to).

augusten deals with huge topics such as truth, losing a child, self-esteem, sexuality, shame, rape and suicide, but he is also funny as hell, with a sarcastic wit, and a traumatic past to fuel his rants. this combination of honesty, experience, intelligence and humor can be explosive. the truth is brutal and blunt, but with a punchline. but there’s much beauty, artistry and inspiration in his writing and i found myself savoring paragraphs, reading them over and over.

he knows grief, and this passage struck a nerve:

“you must never allow something that happened to you to become a morbidly treasured heirloom that you carry around, show people occasionally, put back in its black velvet pouch, and then tuck back into your jacket where you can keep it close to your heart.”

this is a powerful and unique book injected with wisdom, thoughtfulness and some painfully good advice. read this book!

light blue paper shoes  

i.v. poles and vomit trays

staples in my skin

]]> http://disenchantia.com/2013/05/03/love-removal-machine/feed/ 2 lidou67 IMG_3014 IMG_1278 http://disenchantia.com/2013/04/28/clean-break/ http://disenchantia.com/2013/04/28/clean-break/#comments Mon, 29 Apr 2013 04:29:10 +0000 lidou67 http://disenchantia.com/?p=1736 Continue reading →]]>

testament to my boss’ coolness: when i arrived this morning she said “i have a feeling the shit is going to hit the fan today, let’s go take a coffee break, it’s on me!”. sweet as.
my self confidence is top drawer these days due to my new responsibilities.

i was torn about leaving the boys and anxious about transitioning back into the working world. but andy, who is currently unemployed, has really taken to his new role as  domestic dude. he even one-ups me by making pancakes (from scratch) on school days! he and the boys have bonded like never before and he has risen to the occasion like a pro. the dynamic in the house has changed, but i think we’ve learned to appreciate each others’ roles.

these days, my time with the boys is a valuable gift. rather than taking it for granted or dreading it altogether, i look forward to it.  liam and i have an “epic lego battle” which he  carefully choreographs every afternoon and, with a little help, he made his first homemade macaroni and cheese last sunday.

ronan and i have found some common ground and mutual respect for one another. i’m not just the lady who does dishes and yells anymore. i think we are both grateful that i have increased patience and empathy now. we’ve been enjoying family tennis doubles matches on the weekends.

if your kids are old enough, and you aren’t working at the moment, i recommend trying a part-time job or apprenticeship. absence really does make the heart grow fonder! working has made a noticeable improvement in the happiness of our family and has given me a sense of balance.

1. this “ombre” (hair that is artificially lighter on the ends) craze is bullshit. it’s a stupid, pretentious name for an expensive attempt at appearing as though you’ve just returned from a 4-month surfing vacation in australia. don’t lie bitches! if not done well, which is true in most cases i have witnessed, it wreaks of desperation…”oh look at my sun-kissed hair tips, so natural and un-contrived, i am so outdoorsy! me and the sun are tight y’all…see?! see?!??! please look at me and my fantastic ombre’d hair…pleeeeeeeeeezzzzeee!??.

listen up vancouverites: there ain’t enough sun in this entire fucking province throughout the year to naturally “ombre” your hair! it looks fake, forced and craptastic. p.s. if you combine a fake tan with an ombre and attempt to galavant past me in yoga pants, i will bludgeon you with a blunt object repeatedly.

next…

2. sneaker-fucking-wedges. seriously? wake-up and look in the mirror people! these shoes are butt-ugly!!!!! no matter what you wear them with, unless you are 13-years old and break-dancing under a bridge, you look fucking ridiculous!  i actually, literally (!) saw a middle-aged woman wearing them on the bus today! i was paralyzed with shock. speechless. i don’t give a shit that marc jacobs is peddling them too, they are an epic fail. please, for the love of baby jesus and all that was good in the 80′s, don’t believe the hype! you don’t look hip or young or styley, just stupid! and old! and gullable! oh, and if you are considering wearing these atrocities with…sweats? mark my words, you will be shot on sight in the taco.

my so-cal o.g. ombre
circa 1981

hate!

my new job is…fantastic. the first week i may have been suffering from something akin to culture shock because i was surrounded by quiet, considerate adults with no rambunctious boys in sight. there were manners and etiquette, silence and patience and voices were all of the “indoor” variety. i felt like a shell-shocked vietnam vet having just stepped off the plane, back into civilization.

it’s just my boss and i in a 1,700 sf office and i’m fortunate that she is a cool and reasonable person. that we get along well is a huge bonus. she’s at least 15 years my junior, but mature for her age and she’s got her shit together + a wicked and well-timed sense of humor. she may not know who mary tyler moore is, but she is keen to find out.

spending time alone each day on transit is a real treat for me, an opportunity to reflect. i feel proud of myself for surviving almost a decade of motherhood at home with two “spirited” boys. there were good times and scary times, intense and hilarious days and lots of sleepless nights. some days i didn’t think i’d make it, mostly between the hours of 4-6 pm while waiting for andy to get home. but , i did make it! we all made it! part of me feels relieved that it’s finally over, yet it’s sad to know that those chubby pink babies with their soft, warm fuzzy heads that smelled of sweet milk and baby powder are long gone. the years that my boys and i spent together are my most precious memories. 

but working life is pretty sweet. the simple pleasures include;

• eating food that i didn’t cook myself
• enjoying precious silence
• leisurely bathroom breaks
• being paid for my work
• showering on a regular basis
• meeting humans who listen to my words attentively
• wearing stylish, clean clothes & make-up daily
• enjoying a dash of independence

the best part? now that i’m working i truly appreciate my boys and i see how fortunate i am to know them. they are individuals, so very different, yet so brilliant in their own way. i have learned so much from being their mom and i appreciate our time together more now than ever.

Tiffany: “I was a slut. There will always be a part of me that is dirty and sloppy, but I like that, just like all the other parts of myself. I can forgive. Can you say the same for yourself, fucker? Can you forgive? Are you capable of that?”.

that line really hit home, not just because i too am an ex-slut, but because she is owning who she is, and was, without apologizing for it. she accepts the many dimensions of what makes her her and likes all of them, warts and all.

now that my life is halfway over, i want to accept and embrace all the parts of myself and not just supress the “bad” parts in an attempt to be “good”. life is more complicated than that. it’s not simple, tidy or black and white. maybe it’s my catholic upbringing and trying to do the right thing out of fear of losing control? or perhaps, after having my boys and realizing they are watching my every move, noticing my every mistake, it really freaked me out? made me hyper-self conscious? i’m not sure what happened, but somewhere along the line i forgot that our own unique flaws n’ fuck-ups, in themselves, are what make us human, and define who we are. thats how we evolve. not sure what exactly my future holds, but my goal is to become the most genuine me i can be, whatever that entails.

which brings me to a wise and respected friend and family member who wrote to me after my last post. she said:

“One comment on your latest post – I, as friend AND family, am not in the least disappointed that you had a glass of wine in the appropriate context. I think a “slip” is when you have a drink, then KEEP DRINKING and don’t stop until you are an inebriated puddle on the floor, and then you have to deal with hungover regrets. Your ability to have one drink shows that maybe this is not the uncontrollable addiction you might fear it to be. I greatly appreciate your honesty and proverbial baring of soul in your blog, and I am not in any minimizing the incredible challenges you are facing where your alcohol consumption is concerned, but feel the need to speak up and tell you to just take it easy on yourself. You have incredible burdens to carry, and the fact that you have dumped your boozy crutch, in order to keep your hike clearer, is impressive. There is no disappointment, or rationalizing required. Nor do you deserve 30 lashes. You are human, you rolled with the circumstances (YOU were not the one who orchestrated this situation), and truthfully, it is better to slip up now and then, ’cause it helps us keep our intentions real, and our vision unfogged by self riotiousness and preachiness. This will serve you better than 40 years of alcohol-free, then drinking yourself into oblivion!  ’Nuff said.”

i very much appreciated this gift of support. thank you s.s. you’ve got my back and i love you for that.

last thursday, on my third day of work, i was taken out to a swank lunch by my new boss and the departing co-worker, whose place i am taking. coincidentally, it was also her birthday. it was to be a farewell/happy birthday to her/welcome to the company to me occasion.

the night before i had trouble sleeping. i had suspected that alcohol might be offered at the lunch as it was a festive event and the last day of the week before the long 4-day easter weekend, and i was anxious. except for the past 4 months, never in my life have i refused the offer of drink, especially from a superior. what would i say if she offered me a delicious, chilled glass of chardonnay or a margarita on the rocks? i practiced several responses in my mind:

“no thanks, i’m on a diet/cleanse”

“thanks, but i’m allergic”

“i can’t, or i’d be useless when we get back to the office”

“alcohol just puts me to sleep”

“i’m on antibiotics”

despite knowing what the right thing to do was, i feared “coming out” as an alky, which would be embarrassing and expose my weakness to someone i was trying to impress. kinda like admiting you have herpes on the very first date. i worried that to do so would draw so much attention to the subject of alcoholism, that it would ruin the celebration, make all of us of feel awkward and uncomfortable and would cause them to refrain from drinking, which i sensed they were looking forward to doing. i didn’t want to ruin the occasion, and yet, i didn’t want to come clean (so to speak), not at that early stage in our relationship.

when the waitress came to the table, our boss ordered a bottle of very nice white wine. the waitress asked, “how many glasses?”. simultaneously, my boss said “3″ as i squeaked out “2″.  i nervously protested with all of the above excuses rolled into one. my boss shoo’d her away and by the time she came back with the bottle and 3 glasses, i knew i was in deep shit. the waitress poured the wine evenly into all 3 glasses and as my boss handed me my glass, she said, playfully (and innocently) “as your supervisor, i instruct you to have a glass of wine with us!”.

weak and anxious, i gave in. just like that. after 4 months on the wagon, i simply jumped off. the rest of the 2-hour lunch was surreal. we talked, we laughed, we got to know each others’ backgrounds and i even schooled them on the fact that the two gorgeous, well-maintained asian women at a nearby table were actually transvestites. “notice the size of their hands!”. i really enjoyed their company and it was mutual.

but the entire time i felt like a voyeur, watching myself from above as i slowly sipped the forbidden wine. the devil on my shoulder, or just my ego, had won out. as we left the restaurant and walked back to the office, surprisingly, i didn’t feel buzzed or even giddy. i didn’t really feel anything.

days have gone by and my urge to drink has not increased since the slip. i continue to feel weak and thirsty when stressed, when the boys are beating the crap out of each other, or when i am overcome with brutal peri-menopausal pms (“peri-pms”). but i deal with it without drinking.

the whole experience seems like a dream sequence. but i know it was real. i fucked up. a part of me feels like i failed, i disappointed myself and my family and friends and betrayed my sobriety. but another part of me feels like i simply drank some wine and took one for the team. period. am i just another alky rationalizing what i did so i can do it again? or is it just a normal part of the recovery process that is an important milestone to remember and learn from? or both?

i don’t know what to call it or what the truth is.

i guess it is what it is.

one thing i do know for sure is that i am grateful for having this blog, this sounding board, and especially grateful to you, my dear readers, because knowing that you are out there helps to keep me an honest woman. so thank you, each and every one of you, for that.

]]> http://disenchantia.com/2013/03/30/oops/feed/ 1 lidou67 lucyknives http://disenchantia.com/2013/03/26/welcome-back-to-the-jungle/ http://disenchantia.com/2013/03/26/welcome-back-to-the-jungle/#comments Wed, 27 Mar 2013 01:30:05 +0000 lidou67 http://disenchantia.com/?p=1687 Continue reading →]]> left the house at 8 am today, dressed purty and with make-up and hair did! that’s right folks, i started a part-time office job (!) today working 9-2. the job seems pretty sweet and low-key and it was much less painful than i had anticipated after having been “unemployed” for the past 9.5 years.

i take the #8 bus and transfer to the skytrain and wheeeeeeeeee i’m downtown in a flash! the best part of mass transit besides the instant intimacy? i got to eavesdrop on a couple of down n’ out street dudes who were discussing the pro’s and cons of smoking crack. bonus: i work in this gorgeous art deco (circa 1930) landmark building in downtown vancouver. these excellent turnstile doors are the only way into and out of the building.

 just walking downtown amongst the buzzing throngs of humanity, all with places to go and things to do, energized me. i was reminded that, in addition to being a kick-ass food-cooker, sherpa, mma referee, laundry-doer, homework enthusiast, nurse, lost-thing finder, activity coordinator, chauffer, child psychologist, cheer-leader, stylist, director of t.l.c and all-around boy-herder, i am also, once again, a productive member of the work-force. 

many thanks to my heavy-hitter rock-star friend references: SERENE, GEN & TERESA!!!!! i could not have landed this job without your kind words!